It’s confusing (Take two)

Wow.  I started this post over 2 hours ago. Then….

    • Some robins played Marco Polo in the birdbath outside the kitchen window while I watched, then…
    • Message: ! Saving draft failed.  X,  then...
    • Why failed? Let’s find out why, then…
    • Does Email work?  Ooh, incoming., then…
    • Watch b>b episodes of YouTube: Johnny Carson, Robin Williams & Jonathan Winters together, SNL Top 10 performers list etc., then…
    • Download INFJ Guide, then…  reading…. then, hungry… then, texting, more reading, then…
    • Laundry, then…To-Do List, then
    • Oh yeah…I was writing a post, wasn’t I?  Doh…now I remember, it wouldn’t SAVE! Command C, close the browser window, start over, Paste, DOH!  It saved the Page Menu!!

      So back to the drawing board.

      I want to make note of the conflicting emotions I am experiencing today about selling this house to move to another. Each day that goes by with no resolution to the question, “Should I stay or should I go”? opens a new round of Blanche’s game with me. This game should have a name because we play it so often.  My Turn: I act after weighing the pros & cons of something I am considering.  It’s a process that takes days. When I feel satisfied that I have answered the right question with a thoughtful answer, then it’s Blanche’s turn. [She interrogates me]: “Is a different home really what you want?” “WHY?” “This one is finally the way you like it, and don’t forget: it took 20 years!” “Gonna start all over again, eh?” “Who will fix your car?” “What about the critters?” “You are putting them in danger” “Chester could get lost and eaten by a bear. or a weasel” “What if your dog makes everyone on the road fear & loathe you after he munches on some mini dogs and humans?”  “Where will you buy the food brands you like and/or GF & DF options?” “What if that house has LESS light than this one?” “It has 1 ceiling fan and only 1 air conditioning  unit” “Too much carpet” “Round sinks and NO dishwasher!” “If you don’t get full price, the deal is in jeopardy…you made a Junk Offer too – ya Loser” “You reached too high” “You acted rashly” “You don’t even know what you want” 

      [Her turn ends when she see my shoulders slump, face sag, darkly clouded thought bubbles hovering overhead and I begin muttering to myself as I board the Negative Thought train]

      “Shut Up Blanche!” [but it doesn’t work. She’s gotten to me] “Are you running from or running to?” “Do you think a change of scenery will change the way you operate?”  “What kind of work will you be able to find?” “Do you trust yourself to make a decent decision?”…

      “I win”

Yes. She wins this round. Think I’ll go take a hot shower.   kb.xo


Sometimes, I’m moody

This is one of those times.

I let my anxiety drive the Google box. Bad idea. Kinda like P45 and his Tweets.

By “moody” I mean lo-low to hi-high, or anywhere in between (aka: manic/depression)

For the last 2 days, I’ve been moving to the low end of the spectrum like a kid sliding down a banister. An unfortunate symptom of my declining frame of mind is that I texted our realtor Saturday to ask if we should have an open house (effectively questioning how he does his job). He replied that we’ll pow-wow Monday morning. Then I was both annoyed at being brushed off and embarrassed at my own behavior. You see, I was under the erroneous assumption that they mainly work on weekends. Nope. Wrong again Kb.  One more reason for him to think of me as a problem client. The Hub & I have switched roles. He is now calm and optimistic, I have assumed the role of insomniac worry-wort. Though I try to fight it, mental images flip through my brain causing me anxiety. A few choice ones: Remember Indiana Jones in the Crystal Skull going legs first over a cliff  and clawing the bare ground as he slipped further and further until he was out of sight?  In this scenario, I am Indy; slipping away from the reality of our retirement home. (And possibly my own sanity).

Another image: the way you sometimes awaken from a pleasant dream before it has reached it’s conclusion, “ no…waaaait….I was having such a nice dream. Let me go back to sleep…”

I was so sure that it was where we are meant to be for our next chapter. Could I have been wrong about that too?  Has all this frantic work served to put us deeper in debt and nothing more? We eat out most meals so there’s no mess to clean up. It’s an expensive way to live and feels very like killing time in the starting gate like eager race horses.

Maybe the spoiled only child in me is just bubbling to the surface. “WHY must I wait to get what I want??! We did “all the things”….isn’t that enough!?”

Could I be experiencing a form of Rejection? (e.g. “People don’t really want our cute little home. Maybe it’s not as desirable as I thought”, “Why aren’t they showing up to look”?)

The answer to THAT question may be that it’s just too nice outside to go looking at houses.  (As opposed to too lousy, as it was last weekend and most of the week). Either way, time grows short and so does my patience.  Maybe the best thing to do would be to get out of the house, take Leroy and go enjoy this gorgeous day while we can. This weeks merry-go-round of revisited and repeat attempts to resolve administrative/billing issues, all which I thought were completed weeks ago, has pushed me to the brink of cRA-Zee!  Could also explain some of my downward spiral.

On the upside: it’s been a day of peace & quiet in my craft room.  Just me doing a little yoga & meditation, enjoying Pandora and my nail polish while looking out the window with the sun and the breeze and the furry boys napping nearby.

I hope to be forgiven for losing hope. Just wanted to put it down for posterity so that I remember the ups AND the downs of making a major life change. You tend to forget the wrinkles but I choose to remember it all.

Have you ever called the I.R.S.?

My advice to you would be: Don’t.

I’ve been on hold for 13:25, 15:30, 18:41,  … the spectrum of irritation runs the gamut between pre-recorded “teaching moments” interspersed with looped “music” of the blandest sort possible (think Schroeder trying to appease Lucy with his little red Baby’s First Piano accompanied by some goofball fumbling with a bongo while banging on a wood block) and the brain-numbing exercise of searching for a form on the website.  The forms are not organized alphabetically, numerically, by the Dewey decimal system, nor any other method recognizable to literate Americans. 28:51, so far…

Why on earth is the IRS so goddam busy on a random Thursday in September?  Meanwhile, my ass is now numb too as we approach the half-hour mark of waiting.  Today is ALL about waiting….30:56, 35:37

“Our representatives are still helping other customers. Please continue to hold”. 38:04

“If you hang up now and call back, please be advised: Your wait times may increase. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.  Please be patient”

The trouble is, when someone finally DOES answer, I will have to remember my question and be able to articulate it. Politely. 40:22  You don’t want to anger the IRS people; same goes for a tattoo artist. They have the means to   42:28

Will I never achieve a check mark on my Icky To-Do List?!!?  I need a check mark!


clear glass with red sand grainer
Photo by Pixabay on

…and now, a car has pulled up and stopped out front of the window where I sit…

Potential buyer?  Real estate agent?  49:03

54:11.  that’s it.  Uncle.

I gotta get outta this place

It’s a figurative place, more of a condition really, and I dislike everything about it.


After weeks of constantly going hard and “doing” to the point of exhaustion, it’s now become a waiting game. The sudden hard stop is a form of out-of-body experience: sort of like when you are cruising along at speed in a boat when the captain suddenly pulls back hard on the throttle and the boat ceases forward motion quickly, but the water keeps on rushing by and gives the vessel a stern forward shove. Except, we’re not moving forward. Or backward. Or sideways. We’re adrift.  Are we moving?  Are we staying? What can I tell our dog Leroy & cat Chester?  They are very confused by all the strange traffic, the daily relocation of their food bowls and sleeping places and sometimes even leaving home to drive around in the car.  All very unusual and frankly, a little worrisome. These activities run counter to the established rhythm of their animal days of quiet naps, occasional barking, a nibble from the bowl and back to napping until Mom & Dad return home.

The whole situation has the voice in my head (known as “Blanche”) whispering evil things to me such as:

“You’re never leaving this place”  “You’ll die here”  “Why would you leave this place”? “What’s so great about that other house”?   “Do you really want to move away from this lovely little cottage in the woods”?  “…to leave all the neighbors who have started to become friends”?  “It’s going to be difficult”   “You’ll be alone most of the time”  “There’s no good place to walk Leroy unless you load him in the car and drive somewhere”   “Chester may get lost and die alone in the bean field”  “Matt’s drive is going to be  really  l o n g”   “It is all your fault”   “You are being selfish”  “You are not in charge”  “You have driven your poor hub to the brink of insanity” “You will still be Kb., no matter where you live”  “You should have thought this through better before kicking the ball into motion”  “What if the internet is worse than here”?!? “Is that even possible”??  “Why couldn’t you leave well-enough alone”?

yada yada yada… in perpetuity….

SHUT UP BLANCHE!!                           Who asked you anyway?                  kb.xo


Lessons from Nerstrand Big Woods

  1. When you find yourself lost on the trail, let your dog lead. (Your ego certainly isn’t going to find a way back to the car)
  2. Always bring a wad of paper towels.  Useful in the extreme.
  3. If the first restroom you encounter is locked, before you embark on your hike, find one that ISN’T.
  4. As mentioned in a previous post: polyester = JUST NOnerstrand-stone-bridge.  Especially for hiking.
  5. Carry a compass & 2 flashlights.
  6. Wear hiking boots.  They are aptly named.
  7. Mosquitoes.  You can’t join ’em, so you’ll have to find a way to beat them.
  8. Hat.  Wear a hat.  Just do.
  9. Walking sticks are useful.
  10. Have water ready in the car.

10a.  When you arrive home, let your dog lead.  He will nap. You should too.

What is the cause?

Today I suddenly feel melancholy.

Here’s a question with no single answer: What exactly changes your mood from positive to negative? In my case, I can hazard a few guesses:

  • Poor food choices
  • Physical weariness & backache
  • Worry over outcomes
  • Questioning my decisions
  • Polyester clothing (sounds like I’m kidding, right?  I’m not)
  • Hormonal rollercoaster
  • Shorter days and weaker daylight
  • Never-ending humidity and heat into September

For the last 6 weeks I have been certain that we are meant to relocate to Kenyon, to build the last quarter of our lives in a smaller, slower town. Everything has seemed to line up in our favor to make it happen. Then last Friday afternoon, our buyer fell through. No, it’s not the end of the world. No, that doesn’t mean we won’t find another, possibly better offer in time to fulfill our obligation to purchase that house. It simply means we need to continue living here as though we don’t live here.  Ideally, we would be the sort of people with few “things” and the habit of putting them away immediately after use.  Ha.

[You! I know you’re out there, doing exactly that. Living a fastidious life of no clutter.] Much as it sounds freeing, that is not US.  Don’t draw the wrong conclusion. This is not a trash house and we are not hoarders, but we DO have a LOT of STUFF. It happens when members of your family “go away” (endless scenarios). Their “Stuff” becomes your “stuff”. Much as you want to make their Stuff “go away”, you cannot bring yourself to do it. Emotional baggage makes it impossible. Eventually, you get accustomed to working around it. Soon, all that extra “stuff” becomes invisible.

Invisible, that is, until strangers begin walking through your home. Suddenly, you see all that “stuff” unveiled. It becomes “CRAP YOU DON’T NEED”. This is when you’ve reached the Point of Burden. This is where you dump all that “CYDN”.

ship beside dock
Photo by Saya Kimura on

Unload it all at the Point of Burden and sail away. Empty cargo hold. Let the hoarders root through it all and drag it to their homes, never to be Swiffered again. The End.

I feel better now.  Thanks.  ~kb.xo

Square 1

asphalt game hopscotch numbers
Photo by Pixabay on

I could swear that we already sold this house, last Sunday. Here we are again this Sunday, ZERO showings. You see, our buyer’s investor group queered the deal. So that leaves us looking for a NEW buyer. One problem: no one came. I sorta thought it would be like the movie Field of Dreams. You remember:  “If you build it, they will come”.  But no. They didn’t. I rationalized this in two ways.

  1. The Lazy Kb. in me whispered, “It’s okay. You both need a sabbath day anyway. Take it and be grateful.” So I did.  After a nice brunch of huevos rancheros at OPH, a 2 hour nap devoured me. After which, the NYT & local crosswords consumed me for another couple of hours.
  2. The Rational Kb. periodically wondered if the Vikings vs. Packers game was the reason for no showings (because the rest of MN & WI cares about football, especially when they play each other). Further, it could explain why our listing agent has not yet called me back from this morning when I inquired about contacting the leads we declined last week. His text response at 10:30 am: “Can we talk this afternoon”?  It is now 6:10 PM.  Technically, you could say it’s after noon. Maybe I’m just new to the whole real estate agent duty roster thing.

Here’s where it gets fuzzy for me.  His 6% commission will work out to be roughly $20,000 of OUR proceeds. TWENTY.THOUSAND.USD. That’s a LOT of dollars. It would pay off a lot of bills. In MY mind, I feel that a person should be involved with the transaction that pays a lot of THEIR bills, rather than mine. I don’t know. Help a girl out here. Am I being too needy? Asking for more attention than I deserve? I mean, he showed up to our house twice – both times prior to the MLS listing.  He hasn’t shown up since. All the showings have been done by other realtors. There’s been no open house. Yesterday we had ONE showing at 5:30 pm. Now, in fairness, I learned through the grapevine that our listing is visible at the New York Times online. So, we’ve got THAT going for us. What I’d prefer is that he CALL ME BACK as promised 8 hours ago….

Rant over.  He just called.  Marketing will go into full-court press tomorrow. They hadn’t had a chance to do it the first week, and then, Day One – an offer.  He did contact all those I declined a showing. One came yesterday, but the rooms are too small. The others were salivating over the possibility of a subdivide. Yeah. Tried that folks. No can do. If there’s any way we can help those original buyers make the deal fly, that would be best for all. They have several pets and an autistic son. I can scarcely imagine the logistical nightmare they face to clean up for showings. Here’s where I get creative, for us and for them.

Time for Kb. to strap on her thinking cap.  Return tomorrow for another episode of:

Kb. & Matt Invade Kenyon (Ya, that’s in MinneSOta)!   ~kb.xo