Sometimes, I’m moody

This is one of those times.

I let my anxiety drive the Google box. Bad idea. Kinda like P45 and his Tweets.

By “moody” I mean lo-low to hi-high, or anywhere in between (aka: manic/depression)

For the last 2 days, I’ve been moving to the low end of the spectrum like a kid sliding down a banister. An unfortunate symptom of my declining frame of mind is that I texted our realtor Saturday to ask if we should have an open house (effectively questioning how he does his job). He replied that we’ll pow-wow Monday morning. Then I was both annoyed at being brushed off and embarrassed at my own behavior. You see, I was under the erroneous assumption that they mainly work on weekends. Nope. Wrong again Kb.  One more reason for him to think of me as a problem client. The Hub & I have switched roles. He is now calm and optimistic, I have assumed the role of insomniac worry-wort. Though I try to fight it, mental images flip through my brain causing me anxiety. A few choice ones: Remember Indiana Jones in the Crystal Skull going legs first over a cliff  and clawing the bare ground as he slipped further and further until he was out of sight?  In this scenario, I am Indy; slipping away from the reality of our retirement home. (And possibly my own sanity).

Another image: the way you sometimes awaken from a pleasant dream before it has reached it’s conclusion, “ no…waaaait….I was having such a nice dream. Let me go back to sleep…”

I was so sure that it was where we are meant to be for our next chapter. Could I have been wrong about that too?  Has all this frantic work served to put us deeper in debt and nothing more? We eat out most meals so there’s no mess to clean up. It’s an expensive way to live and feels very like killing time in the starting gate like eager race horses.

Maybe the spoiled only child in me is just bubbling to the surface. “WHY must I wait to get what I want??! We did “all the things”….isn’t that enough!?”

Could I be experiencing a form of Rejection? (e.g. “People don’t really want our cute little home. Maybe it’s not as desirable as I thought”, “Why aren’t they showing up to look”?)

The answer to THAT question may be that it’s just too nice outside to go looking at houses.  (As opposed to too lousy, as it was last weekend and most of the week). Either way, time grows short and so does my patience.  Maybe the best thing to do would be to get out of the house, take Leroy and go enjoy this gorgeous day while we can. This weeks merry-go-round of revisited and repeat attempts to resolve administrative/billing issues, all which I thought were completed weeks ago, has pushed me to the brink of cRA-Zee!  Could also explain some of my downward spiral.

On the upside: it’s been a day of peace & quiet in my craft room.  Just me doing a little yoga & meditation, enjoying Pandora and my nail polish while looking out the window with the sun and the breeze and the furry boys napping nearby.

I hope to be forgiven for losing hope. Just wanted to put it down for posterity so that I remember the ups AND the downs of making a major life change. You tend to forget the wrinkles but I choose to remember it all.

Author: karenbesser

Tell you later.

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